Jul. 3rd, 2011 09:46 pm
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 Well, I'm not sure that the past few days could have been more different.

Friday was my uncle's funeral, which I won't say too much about but it was a good service, and very appropriate to him. Which is all anyone can hope for really. I love my family to pieces, I mean, who else could have a funeral that includes a rewrite of 'Long Way To The Top' as sung by his siblings and be so irreverent... but still be so meaningful.
I worked out early on that I was going to be the one that held myself together the best - and sure enough I was. I made it through with only a few tears shed in the final song, whereas the rest of my family were pretty much crying constantly. *shakes head* I don't know where I pull that from, I always feel like I cry at everything. I've had two separate people tell me that this doesn't surprise them in the slightest, and I guess it makes sense but it still felt weird.
Of course, heading to work on Saturday morning Will I? from Rent came up on shuffle and I lost it. I hadn't had enough sleep, I was emotionally drained, and ended up crying pretty much the rest of the way to work. Pretty telling huh XD

Saturday was my 21st, with masses of people. Mostly family (from Mum's side - ie all the people who are mourning my uncle) so I thought it was going to be interesting. True to form, no one else would have even realised there was anything wrong - we certainly do know how to have a good time. Speaking of, there were heaps of family members that I hadn't seen in years and years so it was great to chat for a while, even if it was only for small amounts of time.

I got home from work, got massively behind my planned schedule, and then roped Ame into helping me out with decorations as well as doing my make-up (she did an amazing job <3).
The food from the caterers was really good, as were the slices Mum and I spent all week baking if I do say so myself. I took heaps of photos, so I will try to remember to post one later on!

I got so many lovely presents, so much utterly gorgeous jewellery (including two pairs of real diamond earrings which made me flail both times THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU) and a fair bit of cash and vouchers which I am plotting how to spend now. I can finally buy a few things off my wishlists that I've had going since the start of the year. Everyone was so generous, I was a little overwhelmed.
Said wishlists are also very telling about me, I think almost every single item has something to do with music. Except the Tamora Pierce books that my brother is giving me money for (enough for an entire series fdjhksfvhfref WHY SO AWESOME?!)

I have to say, I got off pretty easily with the speeches - pebblegosling was skyping in, and she would have spoken up if she was there - and I daresay she would have embarrassed me more than my parents did. My brother made a really cute speech though.
Although, they did show this video of me singing when I was about 5 years old. I was so not in tune it made me cringe. At least I was cute... XD
Actually the most mortifying moment was completely unintentional on my Mum's part - I wanted the ground to swallow me because I know what dirty minds my friends have. My brother was doubled over he was laughing that hard... My mum was talking about how she'd at least taught me 'how to open her mouth wide' or something like that. My god. I'll leave that there now...

Today I got up at 10:30 to see those who'd stayed over off, stayed on tumblr and bookmarking fic for later, went back to bed for 3 hours despite my brother drumming, finally decided to get up, read said fic, went out for dinner with the work crowd, and now I'm back here planning on starting a TV show marathon - Doctor Who, Secret Diary of a Call Girl or Downton Abbey, I haven't quite decided yet. Pretty perfect come-down, I must say.

Bye for now!
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 I know I say it all the time, but I have the most incredible friends anyone could ask for.

Despite everything else that's gone on this week, my day yesterday was almost perfect.

snuggle_monster, harpisan, sine_animo, Ame came with me on a picnic to Hanging Rock (yes, same as in the book/movie) to celebrate my birthday. Lots of food, ridiculously silly conversation (not sure how every single comment we made turned into a sexual innuendo/about beastiality of all things) and gorgeous surrounds. As well as epic photos and documentary-style footage of our walk up to the rock.

Of course, snuggle_monster pretty much stole the whole show. At one point, she and sine_animo vanished to 'go and get another part' of my present (the first part being seriously AMAZING headphones). As soon as I spotted them coming back, I *knew* precisely what she was doing. I could see the blue wayfarers, the plaid flannel shirt, the jeans, the converse... Yep. She dressed up as Darren Criss, complete with bazouki to play and sing for me. I just stared at her and couldn't decide whether to laugh at her or want to curl up in a ball in embarrassment. For all her protesting, she has a gorgeous voice when she sings properly - something I'd never actually heard her do before.

Of course, she managed to pick up on exactly when I started tearing up - and went back to being silly. I wanted to shake her at that point for ruining the moment XD

I love you all.

PS. harpisan made me a really pretty friendship bracelet thingy, but I am too unco to tie it on properly. I need to remedy that soon.
PPS. These headphones are so amazing I can't decide what to listen to next, thank you thank you thank you to snuggle_monster, sine_animo and thalia03
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 This song. Her voice. I'm incoherent, I don't care.

I'm really emotional listening to this, I just, it's overwhelming.

This week has been pretty up and down as well, I will recount it properly this weekend, but for now just have the music that is quite literally playing into my heart.

Also this. I never knew Sara Ramirez had such a stunning voice. My goodness.

I both love and hate that music gets to me so much. It's why I do what I do, but it hurts so damn much sometimes.
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 I really love this song, but somehow I always forget about it. I should download it, really.

In a related note, I really need to remember the line in my title. If I'm being honest, I am struggling to hold myself together at the moment. My good old distraction techniques work for the most part, but when I actually think about some of the stuff that's going on around me I just get really overwhelmed and upset. Plus, I had a flashback last night to my days at my old school because of a line in a fanfic I read (I never know what will get to me) and so that really doesn't help.

I don't really know what else to say about my week, except that it has been ridiculously up and down at best. snuggle_monster and I had an awesome musical night at my place, even if the musical part of that night was cut rather short. Oh well, we still managed to talk until 5am. Skill, we have them.

I then proceeded to sleep through my alarm, and got pissed off at myself for a number of reasons, and kind of exploded.
snuggle_monster, I'm sorry. I actually just needed to vent, and cry, and your logical and sensible arguments went completely unheeded and I apologise if I bit your head off unreasonably. I scare myself when I get like that, because I literally just don't comprehend reason - instead I am upset for the sake of being upset. Thank goodness I don't get like that often.

I forget that I'm not expected to know what to do at all times.

Anyway, enough of that. I have so much to do but I can hardly get myself to start (let alone finish) anything, what else is new... Procrastination you suck. I just know I'm going to end up winging my Indo oral exam, I just know it. I do have English notes, I just have to look up some key words and I do have all of tomorrow. Panic hasn't set in yet because of that.
I need to practice desperately. Oh, and my violin decided that last night was a brilliant time to start buzzing, 3 weeks out from my exam. Great.
I also have a list of random errands a mile long - most of which involve cash and so have been put 'on hold' as such until I get paid this week. Better be on time of I will throw something. I'm pretty sure I'll be flat broke in about a week or so. Fun times.

OH! In better news, I have my car back!! =D
Freedom is sweet. I won't be taking it for granted again for a while. and driving like a grandma
My Dad is also amazing, and I don't have to pay him back for anything until I get a full time job. So I owe a hell of a lot of money, but it's alright for now.

One last thing, I am turning 21 in less than a month. When did that happen?
My parents have decided that I should have a big party (I was going to go with smaller events, but hey i'm not complaining if they're paying...) so I'm currently trying to work out logistics. Just another method of procrastination.

I really should go now. Really really.
So. Bye. *waves*
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 And then it comes crashing down. Almost literally.

I had a couple of good days where I finally was feeling okay about everything, and on top of my work, and then I managed to get in another car accident that was my fault. Misjudged stopping distance in the rain... Oh and it was on a major freeway, so police got called and I have a ticket for 'following too close'. Even though they actually weren't around to see if I was, it's just assumed. Gah. I don't need this. I feel so guilty too, as it was the fricking new car that my parents got me. *headdesk*

I could brush one incident like that off, but now my confidence on the road has been shaken. I just... I haven't been so afraid of driving since I was a petrified 16-year-old learner.
I'm amazed my Dad still lent me his car today... I wouldn't lend my car to me.

So easy to say getting up for my 8am lecture on 5 hours sleep was a struggle. Thankfully the day (kind of) improved from there.
My Indo teacher is all kinds of amazing. We had an assignment due today, which I emailed at like 1am, and in our 9am class she had it back, with suggestions, and told me to take a couple more days and add some stuff in. Just, wow.
Conducting was okay, although I kept zoning out. Oops.
Then I met up with thalia03 and we just talked about anything and everything, I ranted about cars and money and stress, and we laughed about all the random connections we have.
Then it was English. Ooh boy that tute was intense. We're studying Hamlet, and somehow the discussion hit too close to home, talking about depression. I was on edge, and getting a bit upset when I was talking at one point, and then got even more so when the tutor made a flippant comment that I took a lot of offense at. I was proud of myself, because I went up to him after class and politely pointed out that he should be more careful of how he says things like that because you just don't know what will trigger people. I know he didn't mean it the way he said it, and he understood and was really good about me pointing it out.
Oh, and another girl who barely knows me waited for me outside just to check that I was alright. thalia03 and I just about melted into a puddle. So sweet.

Speaking of, I am so happy to be getting to know you better, thalia03. Thank you so much for staying with me today, I really needed it.

I'm feeling pretty okay now, I don't have to take public transport to rehearsal tomorrow which is a relief, as it would have taken me 2 hours to do so - I can sleep in a bit now. Which I also desperately need. Now I am off to do a little study and just chill for a while.


PS. I also had my orchestral assessment today, which went better than I expected but I'm still not sure if I'll have done well enough to pass first go.
rdm_ation: (Default)
 It's been a weird couple of days.

Actual update! )
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 I just watched the new Glee episode and burst into tears twice. I won't go into it too much, [ profile] pebblegosling  has already done that and I agree with everything she said. It was rather amazing.

A list of the randomness that is my life. )


Sep. 8th, 2010 08:53 pm
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What is it with me and stress that means I can't control my emotions? Far out. It's not even that I'm feeling all that bad, more that there are a few niggling worries, and stupid things make me lose it. Why must stress = tears? I don't understand. It doesn't fucking help.

Another rant... )
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I passed that orchestra thing! Thank goodness it was only me stuffing it up because I was upset, not because I actually couldn't play it.

I headed over to do that, and then met up with Ame for a coffee-turned-maccas run. This week is the last I'm allowing myself to be such a pig.
Then I got my Washington cd, and went to work. Not a terribly busy day, and I'm actually feeling reasonably awake and alert at the moment. Amazing.
This album is so brilliant. Megan Washington has done very well for herself. I'm so excited to be going to her show, and for a measly $20. *grins*
It's nice when things like this don't disappoint! There is nothing like new music to make me feel better. I'm such a muso

Favourite song after a couple of listens: The Hardest Part. So catchy. And awesome.

On a different note, I often surprise myself how well I can pretend everything's totally fine. Work is one place where I have to do that. Happy face for customers, for most of the people I work with, and it almost fools me sometimes. Until I stop, or get really annoyed or upset by something tiny, or just catch myself zoning out totally. I need to kick this whole 'let's not sleep' thing but have no idea how.
Actually, it's really not a good thing, the place where I keep cracking a little is in my car. I guess because it's generally when I'm on my own and listening to my music on shuffle. 

And there you have it, folks. Yet another random and possibly pointless post from me.
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Dear body/universe/exams/whoever really,

I would really like to be able to maintain a good and/or productive mood for more than half a day at a time. The whole rollercoaster thing really isn't helpful at all, especially when the stress makes me unable to fix the things causing it.


PS. I miss [ profile] harpisan .
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Will somebody please explain what goes on inside my head? Like, before I go completely crazy?

I just feel like I can't do anything right. I can't play my study properly, which makes sense, considering I haven't actually done any work on it this week, I can't even get up as early as I want to. I don't want to sit in a boring Asian Studies lecture about even more stuff that I'm supposed to be remembering. Nor do I want to sprint between classes, and end up flustered every time. Sense of deja vu here from last week, essentially. Even though I am, once again, making progress on this assignment.
I know this is stupid, that I will be fine, and that this will only last for a little while. This rational part of my brain hardly ever wins though - no matter what I do.

I need a holiday. One where I can actually relax.
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My brain is just refusing to function this afternoon. At least I know why I'm panicky and teary this time.

In which I vent )

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I went to Newton Faulkner's concert tonight. He is absolutely amazing. I can't even begin to describe how brilliant it was, but I'll just say this: I was speechless by the end of the night. And for those that know me, you'd know that that's a fair achievement as I usually don't shut up.

A truly amazing night out )
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Good Friday is always a day for reflection, whether in the course of a church service, a camp, or just on my own. Today, I went to the church my family has been going to for a little while, because haven't been for a while and actually didn't know what services for Good Friday there were around.

Anyway, it got me thinking about how I worship and reflect - there is a simple answer: music. It is so much a part of who I am, that it is simply how my brain functions. There is a power in the voices of those singing about what they believe. Studying music at University, I spend so much of my time 'perfecting' - my technique, my interpretation and my stylistic awareness. When, in reality, these don't matter all that much. They do, if you want to forge a career in music - but to enjoy music, to connect with it, they aren't that important. Church is one setting which reminds me of this. Sure, I notice the mistakes, and when people are out of time, or can't really sing. But it doesn't bother me, simply because it is an expression of faith. Of genuine emotion. And that's what's important.

They played two of my fvourite Easter songs today, so I was happy I went to that particular service. They always get to me - and I think they're beautiful as well.
The first is 'Above all', and I particularly love this verse for the imagery it uses - it always resounds clearly with me. This is partly due to the contrasting meaning of 'above all' from the first section, which is expressing that Jesus is purer, more holy than us.

Like a rose trampled on the ground
You took the fall
And thought of me
Above all

The second song is 'Worthy is the Lamb', which is where the title of this post comes from.
I'll just post the link here, as personally I can't identify a particular section that is better than the rest.

And on that note, I'd better get going on some of the work I need to do today.
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Let me begin by saying that I love 'Grey's Anatomy'. I really do. I'm one of those people who will watch it until it gets axed, no matter if that's another season or 10. Sometimes, I have no idea why I am so addicted to it. Yes, it can be funny, but it's not a comedy. It's a medical drama - and I'm not so good with blood... It is now so convoluted and soap-opera-esque that sometimes even I (a fan from the very beginning) can't follow it. But sometimes, just sometimes, it just gets it right.

A clip of a great show, and uni ramblings )
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I swore to myself I wouldn't cry this morning. I almost suceeded too.

(Musings on church) )

I'm glad to say my day got a lot better from there! N came over this afternoon, so we could get organised and pack. Twas fun - and pretty funny because we were both pretty out of it. For example, multiple times I went to do something and would completely lose my train of thought. I think we got everything we wanted to done, so all is good. *grins*
I am so excited. *bounces*

Plus, I bought Love Actually - which I am about to go clean up, and then watch it.
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So, History and Musicianship are both over. Considering how flat out I've been studying for those two exams I should be feeling happier than I am. Damn these stupid moods of mine. >.<
As it happens, I have been so bored tonight - how I manage to find a million things to distract me when I need to work, and never when I'm allowed to be relaxing, I will never understand. I've decided to post this story I wrote for an English SAC in Year 11, with a little tweaking it's not too bad. I'd like some feedback about the structure though, I still like my idea but I'm not sure if it's a little too disjointed.

Ariel. What's in a name? What's in my name? Ariel. People hear it and think Disney. Mermaid. Bright hair, bright personality, bright fish friends. Bright bright bright. Obsessed with us. Humans. "I bet it's fun, up in the sun" The grass is always greener. Or the sea is bluer. Either one. She's in love with the Prince. Of course it all works out neatly. Fairytales always do. Fairytales always do. So people expect me to lead on. A fairytale, not a life. Life has no happily ever after. There is no such thing. Disney idealises. What we want to see. Not the reality.

No-one knows the real story. The folk tale; the original. I read it by accident. So different. The mermaird had no name. No mention of fiery red hair. Definitely no talking fish. I hadn't realised. She wants to be human. But she pays and pays and pays. She walks on knives. She even dances. It nearly kills her. But her love helps. Her love for him is so strong. He doesn't know. He never finds out. His love is elsewhere. He has a happily ever after. With someone else. She gets nothing. Less than nothing. She simply disappears. Turns into sea foam. He never even knew she existed. Let alone her love. And then she didn't exist at all.

Ariel. Uncommon name. I would say not difficult to pronounce. Apparently so. Ariel! Aerial! I am NOT a TV antenna. Really. Ah-ree-el. Originates from Hebrew. "Lioness of God" Right. That I am not. I mean, lioness. Strong, powerful, leader. I don't feel like any of those. How does my name mean me? Does it even matter? Who knows. Honestly. Would being a Kate or a Jane have changed me? Changed my personality? I wouldn't get the fish jokes. Other than that, would there be anything different? Perhaps. Perhaps not.

It didn't come from the folk tale. My name I mean. She had no name. 'the mermaid'. Notice there's not 'little'. She wasn't. She was strong. Brave. Filled with love. Unrequited love. She had the strength not to kill. To kill him meant to go back. To live. To start over. Her one chance. She couldn't take it. She couldn't kill to make herself happy. Instead, she dissolves. Preserves her love's happiness. At the total cost of her. Her life vanquished. Immeasurable strength. Sacrifice.

There is a statue. Carved in stone. The mermaid. Sitting on a rock, head down, hands clasped. Interesting to note her tail. Legs still underneath. Torn. Caught between her two worlds. Mermaid or human. Does she truly belong to either? Or has she been split in two. Like me. Broken up. Divided between my life, and others' expectations. They expect a fairytale; complete with happy ending. I don't. I just want to be happy most of the time. Big difference. I can't make them happy. Only me. Different to folk tale. May be selfish. I can't sacrifice myself. My own rights, ideas, values. But what else can I do? Give me a better option, I'll take it. There is none. I'm not like either mermaid. I'm just, well, me. Ariel.

I wish I could find my creative piece from Year 12. I have a feeling I shredded it though.
And now I'm off to bed - here's hoping a good night's sleep, good Indonesian food and great company tomorrow will drive this silly bleh mood away.
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I've got my motivation back! Well, sort of. I went to the ABC Classic 100 Symphonies concert tonight (MSO) and I came to a sort of realisation.

Let me backtrack a little. At times like these, when I have study and practice that I *should* be doing coming out of my ears - I tend to get a little stressed out. Add this to the other events of the past few weeks, and, well, let's just say I haven't properly rested in ages. My brain refuses to switch off (as a result I am emotionally and physically exhausted). I obssess, I worry, I have very silly conversations just to try to distract myself. As a result of this, I find myself questioning what in god's name would possess me to do all this to try to get into a music degree, when there is no guarantee of any work at all, and so much competition for the work that is available.

Tonight, as I was sitting in the audience, I realised that for the first time in probably a month I was totally relaxed. Sure, I was still thinking - but it wasn't the stressed-out-ness (I know it's not a word) that it's been recently. Moreover, things that I was worried about seemed to just disappear into the music - there was a clarity in what I want, and what I fear, and how the first does in fact override the second. I still don't know where I'll end up, or how I'll make ends meet in the future, but I know that if I can be a part of something like that - I'll be happy.

*reads over above writing* Wow ok now back to the present and all the work I have to do. Tomorrow, I am not allowing myself to waste time. I must do history, some solid practice, learn a piece for aural, work out what assessments I have left for keyboard AND make sure I know what's going on with this musicianship test. Phew. It's going to be a looongg day.

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Right now I'm feeling kind of, deflated, and I'm not sure why. It's not because I'm tired, although I am very much overtired from this semester - and it doesn't appear that I'll magically get more rest anytime soon. It's not that my computer still has that silly virus, although that is rather annoying. It's not that I'm being unproductive, that's become the norm lately. It's just a general 'ugh' feeling. I need to shake it somehow, and quickly, but I don't know how. HELP!!

Actually, what I want to do is go see a movie. If I'd had today as planned that'd be fine, but as life does, my plans changed >.< I'm working tonight, and don't really have the time. As much as I need the money (and like my job) I just really cannot be bothered at the moment. GAH

I have also set new records for my sleeping-in. Not that I sleep late, no, I don't get the opportunity to do that nearly as much as I'd like. I'm just getting far too good at sleeping *through* my alarm. And if we're talking about yesterday, doctor's appointments. And today, I realised I'd managed to set my alarm for 9pm, so naturally, it didn't wake me up at 9am when I was supposed to get up. *facepalm*

On a different note, I am very happy for my brother - his Rock Eisteddfod team were so good. They won the state finals last night for the Raw division (no sets and limited props). They're now in the running for Nationals, and I wish them all the best of luck. =]

That's enough for me for today, now off to listen to Newton Faulkner's new album. Hopefully that can cheer me up.
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So don't take my photograph
'Cause I don't want to know how it looks
To feel like this
As cars and people pass
It feels like standing still but I know
I'm just moving uncomfortably slow

That chorus pretty much sums up what I've been like these past couple of days. I feel like I'm in a sort of daze, but at the same time wide awake. Shock I guess. It always surprises me how a song written by someone on the other side of the world, probably written about a completely different issue, can tie in so closely with my state of mind right now. That's the thing about music - it can move you, or it can provide an escape. Sometimes both. That's the main reason I love it so much. It's powerful.

Agh I'm rambling and making no sense. Apologies.

On another (related) note, that album - Newton Faulkner: Hand Built by Robots - is really good. If you haven't listened to it, do. You won't regret it.

Perhaps I'll just stop there for now.
I tried.


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November 2011

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