Warnings: vague references to depression
Word Count: 690
Beta: the lovely tamakito and thalia03 read it through for me as well
A new year, a new look, a new personality. Somehow, Quinn still felt lost.
( She Found Herself, Lost. )
Please read first: I am okay.
A little nervous that I'm actually posting this, but the title of this post is appropriate. I need to get this out there because I don't think some people really understand how the things they do and say can affect others. Which is the reason this is staying on public, which terrifies me in a lot of ways. Even for me, this is being open to insane levels.
( The dam breaks... )
As a reward, I am letting myself watch the next episode of The Big Bang Theory. I need something to wind down, and then I won't be tempted tomorrow night. *nods*
( Study, friends, and a little poetry )
*rolls eyes* Why can't I say no?
After all this, I ended up on msn all afternoon - instead of the practice I probably should have been doing. As if on cue, my teacher then rings to cancel my lesson, I was happier about this than I should have been xD
Then, it was dinner with some friends from school (some of whom I haven't seen in ages) at a restaurant near my house. Good
Anyway, dinner was fun - it was good to just hang out again.
Today, I suddenly had inspiration to start writing little poems/pieces. I'd forgotten how much I do enjoy writing - when I have ideas for it. Trying to force it simply doesn't work for me. Anyway, I might post some more later, but for now here is one. Incidentally, the two paragraphs were actually written as separate pieces, but they fit together. Obviously my brain stayed on the same track.
The waves eating into the sand remind me
Of myself, the way I interact with others
I give of myself
I wonder if this keeps up
How much of me will be left?
I wish I could be selfish.
And take just what I want
Without a thought for how it affects everyone else.
And I can't claim this - but it is awesome.
Today, my fifth grade students were concerned because I wasn't feeling well. I get horrible cramps every month and need to sit down for them. One of my students comes up to me with a smiles and whispers to me 'Your secret is safe with me. I know you're a werewolf, like Remus Lupin, because you get mean every month and it's the full moon tonight too.' I growled a 'thank you' to my student who proceeded to run away smiling. Oh how I love my kids.
As it happens, I have been so bored tonight - how I manage to find a million things to distract me when I need to work, and never when I'm allowed to be relaxing, I will never understand. I've decided to post this story I wrote for an English SAC in Year 11, with a little tweaking it's not too bad. I'd like some feedback about the structure though, I still like my idea but I'm not sure if it's a little too disjointed.
Ariel. What's in a name? What's in my name? Ariel. People hear it and think Disney. Mermaid. Bright hair, bright personality, bright fish friends. Bright bright bright. Obsessed with us. Humans. "I bet it's fun, up in the sun" The grass is always greener. Or the sea is bluer. Either one. She's in love with the Prince. Of course it all works out neatly. Fairytales always do. Fairytales always do. So people expect me to lead on. A fairytale, not a life. Life has no happily ever after. There is no such thing. Disney idealises. What we want to see. Not the reality.
No-one knows the real story. The folk tale; the original. I read it by accident. So different. The mermaird had no name. No mention of fiery red hair. Definitely no talking fish. I hadn't realised. She wants to be human. But she pays and pays and pays. She walks on knives. She even dances. It nearly kills her. But her love helps. Her love for him is so strong. He doesn't know. He never finds out. His love is elsewhere. He has a happily ever after. With someone else. She gets nothing. Less than nothing. She simply disappears. Turns into sea foam. He never even knew she existed. Let alone her love. And then she didn't exist at all.
Ariel. Uncommon name. I would say not difficult to pronounce. Apparently so. Ariel! Aerial! I am NOT a TV antenna. Really. Ah-ree-el. Originates from Hebrew. "Lioness of God" Right. That I am not. I mean, lioness. Strong, powerful, leader. I don't feel like any of those. How does my name mean me? Does it even matter? Who knows. Honestly. Would being a Kate or a Jane have changed me? Changed my personality? I wouldn't get the fish jokes. Other than that, would there be anything different? Perhaps. Perhaps not.
It didn't come from the folk tale. My name I mean. She had no name. 'the mermaid'. Notice there's not 'little'. She wasn't. She was strong. Brave. Filled with love. Unrequited love. She had the strength not to kill. To kill him meant to go back. To live. To start over. Her one chance. She couldn't take it. She couldn't kill to make herself happy. Instead, she dissolves. Preserves her love's happiness. At the total cost of her. Her life vanquished. Immeasurable strength. Sacrifice.
There is a statue. Carved in stone. The mermaid. Sitting on a rock, head down, hands clasped. Interesting to note her tail. Legs still underneath. Torn. Caught between her two worlds. Mermaid or human. Does she truly belong to either? Or has she been split in two. Like me. Broken up. Divided between my life, and others' expectations. They expect a fairytale; complete with happy ending. I don't. I just want to be happy most of the time. Big difference. I can't make them happy. Only me. Different to folk tale. May be selfish. I can't sacrifice myself. My own rights, ideas, values. But what else can I do? Give me a better option, I'll take it. There is none. I'm not like either mermaid. I'm just, well, me. Ariel.
I wish I could find my creative piece from Year 12. I have a feeling I shredded it though.
And now I'm off to bed - here's hoping a good night's sleep, good Indonesian food and great company tomorrow will drive this silly bleh mood away.
And if I had one chance to freeze time
And stand still and soak in everything,
I'd choose right now.
And if I had one night with sunshine to break through and show you everything,
I'd choose right now,
Before the fears that I once had start coming back again
This pretty much described the mood I was in yesterday. Such a good, relaxing day - just what I needed after the stress/emotion/work etc etc of the past few weeks. Helps that I was accompanied by some truly awesome people. Singing songs from musicals at the top of our lungs, wandering all over the city, drinking tea, spilling juice, finding random stuffed horse pillows, guys t-shirts (for the girls no less), and just mucking around in general. *grins* Heck, even power-walking from one end of the city to the other wasn't too draining.
I was actually going to write about '500 Days of Summer' in this post, but pebblegosling beat me to it. In a much more eloquent fashion I might add. I loved the movie, enough to see it twice. I do want the soundtrack, and to buy it on dvd when it comes out. Let's hope I have the money for it then =P
Today, I'm back to reality. You know, exam preparation, the fact that I'm performing tomorrow and have barely practiced all week (hello early morning tomorrow to try to do some last minute prep), the fact that I made a promise to myself last night that I am going to get myself fit. But most of all the fact I can hardly walk because I've been on a walk both last night and this morning. I will force myself tomorrow, although I know it will be *hell*. My arm is also aching, I just have to remind myself it is so I can go on this trip. *grimaces* I'm just a
And here I am again, I'll leave you all with the Disney fan fiction(s) I wrote - using songs as prompts (bah cbf finding the actual instructions for this)
Teddy Geiger – Night Air
Belle had to run. It wasn’t like her, being a bookworm and all, but she just needed to be outside, to feel the chill of the night against her face. Most of all she needed to think. Hard. Clear the confusion in her head. ‘Why him? There is nothing logical about it. But the pull is there.’ She wanted so much to simply run away. What was holding her back? There was nothing for it but to return.
Avenue Q – Purpose
I’m going to set out – find what I was supposed to be! Surely, being a fish sidekick isn’t all I’m cracked up to be. I seem to get a lot of attention, for a little blue and yellow coward of a fish. Maybe I could swim near sharks. Or become a translator for humans and mermaids. Or I could just go back to Ariel. *sigh* Maybe that’s all I’m good for, after all.
Taylor Swift – Our Song
How can I sing without words?
How can I make him see?
How will he know that he’s the one for me?
She doesn’t see
Just how beautiful she is
Even though she doesn’t speak
There’s something about this pond that’s telling me
There’s just one thing I have to do
I’ll just kiss her. That’ll be our song.
Maroon 5 – Harder to Breathe
As she lay in his arms, Cinderella wondered just how she could have fallen for this man. For that is all he is. For all his finery, his servants, his castle, his protection, he is still simply a man. Dazzling her with his beauty. ‘Happily ever after’ all the women say while sighing. Maybe it’s not all it’s cracked up to be. Perhaps she just longed for the adventure. The pumpkin. The mice. The glass slipper. ‘Please’ she begs silently. ‘Show this naïve servant girl that there is still someone inside worth my love.’
Britney Spears – Deep in my Heart
True love’s first kiss. So unlike what I dreamt of for 100 years. Trust me, that’s a long time to wonder. For one thing, it was sudden. I had no idea who this, this, prince was. And he waltzes in and tells me that I’m his true love. Apparently, in these woods one kiss equals marriage. Pfft. So what. I can decide who I want to be with. Then you tell me that you’ve watched me for a while, trying to pluck up the courage to wake me up. Fearing this reaction. Well, I guess that counts for something. But now that I’m awake, give me some time to get to know you. It seems you’re ahead of me in that respect.
Matchbox 20 – Bent
It’s enough to drive anyone mad. Seriously, living in a house with 6 other dwarves is no picnic. Especially ones that sneeze, are fiendishly bouncy, fall asleep at the most inopportune times, blush at the drop of a hat, are bossy and just walk around in a daze all the time! Not to mention with no cooking skills. Hmmph! It’s the very definition of dysfunctional. Then *she* came. I don’t know what came over me. It was too much. I didn’t know myself after a while. I think I need a new name.
McFly – Five Colours in Her Hair
‘Nala! Hurry up! What on earth are you doing?’ Simba is running in circles, impatiently waiting for her to emerge from their cave. ‘Come on!’
‘I’m coming, I’m coming. Settle down.’ As Nala ran out, Simba took one look at her and jumped a mile into the air. ‘What?’ Nala demanded.
‘Uhh… Have you been down to the waterhole today?’
‘No. Is there something wrong with how I look?’
‘It’s just, you look like’ *pause* ‘Zazu’.
Hope they aren't too boring/poorly written.
Going from something very silly, to something a little less so - I actually wrote a poem the other day and now is probably a good a time as any to post it.
Sitting here, crying on a crowded train
Some notice, some stare
Most simply don't care.
Ignore me, Move away.
That's fine. I would do the same.
One smiles. Encourages me.