'No one move, no one speak, please don't say that it's just me.'

I've got my motivation back! Well, sort of. I went to the ABC Classic 100 Symphonies concert tonight (MSO) and I came to a sort of realisation.

Let me backtrack a little. At times like these, when I have study and practice that I *should* be doing coming out of my ears - I tend to get a little stressed out. Add this to the other events of the past few weeks, and, well, let's just say I haven't properly rested in ages. My brain refuses to switch off (as a result I am emotionally and physically exhausted). I obssess, I worry, I have very silly conversations just to try to distract myself. As a result of this, I find myself questioning what in god's name would possess me to do all this to try to get into a music degree, when there is no guarantee of any work at all, and so much competition for the work that is available.

Tonight, as I was sitting in the audience, I realised that for the first time in probably a month I was totally relaxed. Sure, I was still thinking - but it wasn't the stressed-out-ness (I know it's not a word) that it's been recently. Moreover, things that I was worried about seemed to just disappear into the music - there was a clarity in what I want, and what I fear, and how the first does in fact override the second. I still don't know where I'll end up, or how I'll make ends meet in the future, but I know that if I can be a part of something like that - I'll be happy.

*reads over above writing* Wow ok now back to the present and all the work I have to do. Tomorrow, I am not allowing myself to waste time. I must do history, some solid practice, learn a piece for aural, work out what assessments I have left for keyboard AND make sure I know what's going on with this musicianship test. Phew. It's going to be a looongg day.

Rdm