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Sep. 15th, 2010 12:19 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
rdm_ationJust when I think I'm getting somewhere, I get shot down again.
Orchestral assessments were today - I've calmed down now, so this won't be too much of a rant but I will say one thing. It ended up with me inuncontrollable tears telling the person assessing (one of the string coordinators, and the one who decided to put me on viola) that I didn't think it was fair to assess me on an instrument that wasn't my primary one. He was being an arse about a particular bar, and making me do it over and over and over and I just cracked. He missed the point though. I don't think it's a particularly difficult one to understand - I like playing the viola in orchestra, I don't think I should be marked on it.
Of course, this all leads to the same thought process that happens every time I crack under pressure - why the fuck am I putting myself through all this? Any job I ever get in this field is going to have this sort of pressure attached to it, and I need to be able to cope without breaking down. It's also so disheartening when I've literally ignored my violin this past week to work my butt off on these viola excerpts, and I still failed.
Oh, and you know the worst bit? He managed to imply that this was the best out of the three I've done. That would be fine, and I think he was trying to make me feel better instead of worse, but the way it came out it was like I'm doing better on an instrument I've been playing for 5 WEEKS than on the one that is my actual instrument that I've been playing for 15 YEARS.
*breathes out*
Onto happier news, I finished reading Will Grayson, Will Grayson last night after pebblegosling lent it to me on Sunday. Brilliant book. This was one 3am night and one 1am night with a 12 hour day in between, and a 10 hour one after .... you'd think I'd have learnt by now NOT to start reading anything when I have other things to accomplish. Oh well.
I have also been introduced to Doctor Who. And am loving it. So far I have resisted the urge to watch more and waste more time XD
That's all from me now, as I am dead tired and have so far been avoiding bed as I know I'm likely to end up overthinking things again. But I must sleep now.
Rdm
PS I just realised the last time I posted was my other rant about being stressed. I'll try to make sure the next one's a bit brighter =P
Orchestral assessments were today - I've calmed down now, so this won't be too much of a rant but I will say one thing. It ended up with me in
Of course, this all leads to the same thought process that happens every time I crack under pressure - why the fuck am I putting myself through all this? Any job I ever get in this field is going to have this sort of pressure attached to it, and I need to be able to cope without breaking down. It's also so disheartening when I've literally ignored my violin this past week to work my butt off on these viola excerpts, and I still failed.
Oh, and you know the worst bit? He managed to imply that this was the best out of the three I've done. That would be fine, and I think he was trying to make me feel better instead of worse, but the way it came out it was like I'm doing better on an instrument I've been playing for 5 WEEKS than on the one that is my actual instrument that I've been playing for 15 YEARS.
*breathes out*
Onto happier news, I finished reading Will Grayson, Will Grayson last night after pebblegosling lent it to me on Sunday. Brilliant book. This was one 3am night and one 1am night with a 12 hour day in between, and a 10 hour one after .... you'd think I'd have learnt by now NOT to start reading anything when I have other things to accomplish. Oh well.
I have also been introduced to Doctor Who. And am loving it. So far I have resisted the urge to watch more and waste more time XD
That's all from me now, as I am dead tired and have so far been avoiding bed as I know I'm likely to end up overthinking things again. But I must sleep now.
Rdm
PS I just realised the last time I posted was my other rant about being stressed. I'll try to make sure the next one's a bit brighter =P
